HOLES!

Everyone is familiar with assholes in general. They’re everywhere. Some know they’re assholes and don’t care, while others are clueless. Recently, I have noticed that assholes are evolving. No longer capable of covering the vast skill set required of a major asshole, or being too lazy to stay proficient in all areas of a general asshole, many people have moved towards specialization. As a public service, I have begun to catalog these sub-categories and am presenting them for your continuing adult education. But first, let’s review the definition of the basic asshole…

ass-hole [as-hohl]

1. vulgar slang for anus
2. a thoroughly stupid, mean, irritating, or contemptible person
3. the most undesirable place in a particular area

Now, as promised, I present the new sub-categories, as I have observed them. Keep in mind that there are more and more specialties cropping up each day and I am merely scratching the surface. If you have data on a sub-species not identified here, please make use of the comment button at the bottom of this article.

Binhole – 1) a person that takes up more than their allotted space in the overhead compartment on a plane, 2) a person that uses only their allotted space but moves YOUR shit to another location because they like the space where YOUR bag already is, better than the space left when they showed up late

Expresshole – 1) a person that gets in the express line with more than 10 items

Cellhole – 1) people that talk loudly on their cell phones while in a confined space with others (i.e. a bus, a restaurant, a bathroom, a lobby, in line at Starbucks, etc.) as if you are going to be impressed with the story of their lives or how cool they are, 2) drivers who cannot talk on their cell phone without driving as if they had just consumed two six packs and a blunt

Gashole – 1) a person who (at the last moment) sneaks into the pump you have been patiently waiting from the opposite side, thereby screwing you out of both pumps

Carthole – 1) a person who leaves their shopping cart in the middle of the aisle then walks away to look at something, rendering the aisle impassable, 2) a person that leaves their shopping cart up against your car in the parking lot or leaves it in the way of you backing out, resulting in you having to move their cart they should have taken care of in the first place

Handihole – 1) people who are not REALLY handicapped but get handicap stickers for their cars to compensate for their laziness and/or sense of personal entitlement; this would include people with allergies (hey, hold your sleeve over your nose during the extra 20 foot walk), motorcycle riders with handicap stickers (if you can put on all the crap that constitutes today’s Harley costume and ride a bike, you can walk your fat ass across the parking lot), and fat people whose only handicap is having a double sized ass (yeah, I’m fat too but I KNOW it’s good for me to do some extra walking)

Litterhole – 1) someone who just tosses their crap on the ground, 2) someone who leaves their used Kleenex in a shopping cart for you to enjoy, 3) someone who puts out their trash in an unsecured manner allowing their crap to blow around the neighborhood, then doesn’t care

McHole – 1) someone who leaves their used food crap on the table at a fast food restaurant table instead of picking up their own mess, 2) someone who frivolously wastes their time on some other non-related activity while waiting in line at the drive through, then doesn’t have their shit (money) together when their order is ready, causing you to wait even longer while your incorrect food order gets cold, 3) teen-aged fast food employee that wants to argue with you about whether or not the lukewarm greasy fries they made 15 minutes ago are fresh enough for YOUR taste

Phonehole – 1) people who leave excruciatingly long phone messages, driving home the point that the REAL underlying message is about them, 2) people that program phone menus, covering every possible freaking scenario of the message-leaving process so that it is faster to buy a plane ticket and fly to your town to give you the message in person, for crying out loud (think corporate)!

Tryhole – 1) someone who tries on underwear at the store, then puts if back for you to discover while looking for YOUR new underwear, 2) the same person who then moves to the shoe department and tries on shoes with no socks before deciding they aren’t quite right

Smokehole – 1) a person that smokes right next to you with no regard or courtesy then, through body language, begs you to get into an argument about their right to smoke, 2) a person that tosses lit cigarette butts on the ground or out the window of their car, thereby doubling their value to society as a Litterhole as well

Well...there you have it - the new sub-categories that leap to the front. I am interested in any others you can come up with...just click on the "comment" link below. And remember, you are not defenseless against assholes...