Hole Addendum

I received several comments from friends and family identifying enough new sub-categories that it is worth publishing an addendum.  I have added their new “holes” plus one of my own that was triggered during an email exchange with Christian Koppenhafer.  I will give credit where due.  Here you go…

 

Checkhole – 1) a person who uses a personal check to pay for stuff at the grocery store and engages in any and all other activities EXCEPT THE CHECK WRITING PROCESS while the clerk rings up the entire order.  Only then does the checkhole sloth into action to actually begin the check writing process starting with the question “now what’s the date, again?”

-        Steve Campbell

Registerhole – 1) a cashier who never speaks one word to you while taking your money because he/she is too busy either: a) talking to her fellow cashiers about her love life or b) on the phone. This person is unresponsive to "thank you" and "have a great day" and just stares at you with hand out once your order is totaled.

-        Kathi MacNaughton (my cousin)

 

 

Bluehole – 1) someone who is so freaking important that they must walk around in all places at all times with a Bluetooth headset so that they may be ready within milliseconds of the arrival of a critical communiqué, press alert, or other history-making bulletin, to answer their cell phone without the use of a wired headset or the wasted effort of holding said cell phone to their ear

-        my own addendum

 

Stagehole – 1) a drunk person who repeatedly asks the band to play music that is clearly outside the genre of the band and usually leans on the singer’s mic stand, thereby causing the mic to hit the singer in the teeth.  Upon hearing that the band doesn’t play that type of music, the stagehole will normally respond with either “you guys suck” or “you guys rock” depending on which binary state their pea brain was stuck in last.

-        Christian Koppenhafer

 

Author’s note:  Christian originally called this the Drunkhole but on further study, it becomes clear that a Drunkhole has many other modus operandi and is deserving of a class in itself…to be defined later due to the sizeable number of iterations. 

Christian – thanks brother, you have steered us down yet another rant hole!

HOLES!

Everyone is familiar with assholes in general. They’re everywhere. Some know they’re assholes and don’t care, while others are clueless. Recently, I have noticed that assholes are evolving. No longer capable of covering the vast skill set required of a major asshole, or being too lazy to stay proficient in all areas of a general asshole, many people have moved towards specialization. As a public service, I have begun to catalog these sub-categories and am presenting them for your continuing adult education. But first, let’s review the definition of the basic asshole…

ass-hole [as-hohl]

1. vulgar slang for anus
2. a thoroughly stupid, mean, irritating, or contemptible person
3. the most undesirable place in a particular area

Now, as promised, I present the new sub-categories, as I have observed them. Keep in mind that there are more and more specialties cropping up each day and I am merely scratching the surface. If you have data on a sub-species not identified here, please make use of the comment button at the bottom of this article.

Binhole – 1) a person that takes up more than their allotted space in the overhead compartment on a plane, 2) a person that uses only their allotted space but moves YOUR shit to another location because they like the space where YOUR bag already is, better than the space left when they showed up late

Expresshole – 1) a person that gets in the express line with more than 10 items

Cellhole – 1) people that talk loudly on their cell phones while in a confined space with others (i.e. a bus, a restaurant, a bathroom, a lobby, in line at Starbucks, etc.) as if you are going to be impressed with the story of their lives or how cool they are, 2) drivers who cannot talk on their cell phone without driving as if they had just consumed two six packs and a blunt

Gashole – 1) a person who (at the last moment) sneaks into the pump you have been patiently waiting from the opposite side, thereby screwing you out of both pumps

Carthole – 1) a person who leaves their shopping cart in the middle of the aisle then walks away to look at something, rendering the aisle impassable, 2) a person that leaves their shopping cart up against your car in the parking lot or leaves it in the way of you backing out, resulting in you having to move their cart they should have taken care of in the first place

Handihole – 1) people who are not REALLY handicapped but get handicap stickers for their cars to compensate for their laziness and/or sense of personal entitlement; this would include people with allergies (hey, hold your sleeve over your nose during the extra 20 foot walk), motorcycle riders with handicap stickers (if you can put on all the crap that constitutes today’s Harley costume and ride a bike, you can walk your fat ass across the parking lot), and fat people whose only handicap is having a double sized ass (yeah, I’m fat too but I KNOW it’s good for me to do some extra walking)

Litterhole – 1) someone who just tosses their crap on the ground, 2) someone who leaves their used Kleenex in a shopping cart for you to enjoy, 3) someone who puts out their trash in an unsecured manner allowing their crap to blow around the neighborhood, then doesn’t care

McHole – 1) someone who leaves their used food crap on the table at a fast food restaurant table instead of picking up their own mess, 2) someone who frivolously wastes their time on some other non-related activity while waiting in line at the drive through, then doesn’t have their shit (money) together when their order is ready, causing you to wait even longer while your incorrect food order gets cold, 3) teen-aged fast food employee that wants to argue with you about whether or not the lukewarm greasy fries they made 15 minutes ago are fresh enough for YOUR taste

Phonehole – 1) people who leave excruciatingly long phone messages, driving home the point that the REAL underlying message is about them, 2) people that program phone menus, covering every possible freaking scenario of the message-leaving process so that it is faster to buy a plane ticket and fly to your town to give you the message in person, for crying out loud (think corporate)!

Tryhole – 1) someone who tries on underwear at the store, then puts if back for you to discover while looking for YOUR new underwear, 2) the same person who then moves to the shoe department and tries on shoes with no socks before deciding they aren’t quite right

Smokehole – 1) a person that smokes right next to you with no regard or courtesy then, through body language, begs you to get into an argument about their right to smoke, 2) a person that tosses lit cigarette butts on the ground or out the window of their car, thereby doubling their value to society as a Litterhole as well

Well...there you have it - the new sub-categories that leap to the front. I am interested in any others you can come up with...just click on the "comment" link below. And remember, you are not defenseless against assholes...

Trip to Amsterdam, Netherlands

I recently went on a business trip to Amsterdam, Netherlands.

Facts:

For those who are foggy about the geography, the Netherlands is bordered to the north and west by the North Sea, by Belgium to the south, and by Germany to the east. The Netherlands is often referred to as "Holland" but this is formally incorrect since North and South Holland are only two of the country's 12 provinces. However, some Dutch people use the name Holland when referring to their country since it is in such widespread use.

The Netherlands is a densely populated, low lying country popularly known for its windmills, wooden shoes, Delftware, tulips, cheese, Gouda pottery, dikes, and storm surge barriers. While the official language is Dutch, over 70% of the population have a good working knowledge of English.

The Trip

I left Portland for Chicago at 7:30 AM. After a two-hour layover in Chicago, we boarded the Boeing 767, headed across the pond to Europe. I had a liter of wine hoping to induce some sleep. After watching a couple of shows on my iPhone I finally drifted off for a bit. Eight hours later we crossed the coastline and the aircraft banked on short final into Amsterdam’s Schipol Airport.

I had not been to the Netherlands since I was a young child and I was anxious to see if the things I remembered still looked the same. Some things looked identical to my childhood memories but there was a whole new look to the countryside and city – modern infrastructure. Highway systems, flood control systems, and tunnels all seemed to work rather well and got us around with little delay.

Our team stayed at the Dorint Hotel near the airport. This place had the feeling that you were in IKEA store on steroids. The rooms were very modern European; well designed with no wasted frivolities. Controls were very different than what we were used to but also very intuitive. The one interesting twist was that your room key card had to be left in a slot on the wall for the room’s electrical system to stay activated. Check out the heated mirror!

While driving to downtown Amsterdam, the first thing that hits you is the different look of the cars. While there are cars from some manufacturers we recognize (mostly German), there are very few models we recognize from America. The popular manufacturers are Mercedes, BMW, Volkswagen, and Citroen. Not once did I see a Japanese, American, or Korean car, nor did I see one single pick up truck.

Downtown was very much as I expected having been to Western Europe before. The shopping district is mixed in with everything else. The Dutch have shopping malls downtown but they are outfitted into very old buildings so they are not an eyesore on the landscape. You would never know from looking at the outside that there were modern shops within. One interesting discovery in the shopping district is that “Sissy Boy” is a clothing line.

Of course you can’t go to Amsterdam without visiting its famous Red Light District. De Wallen is the largest and best known of the red light districts in Amsterdam and is a popular tourist attraction. It’s located in the oldest part of Amsterdam and is crossed by several canals. Besides the obvious prostitution and sex businesses, the area is home to a good number of fine restaurants and clubs. And of course, there are the famous “coffee shops”. Walking by the entrances leave no doubt as to what is being smoked within. Contrary to popular belief, pot is not legal in the Netherlands, but it is condoned. The cops don’t hassle anyone who keeps their wits about them. Whatever your bent, it is an interesting place to watch life go by.

It was a very interesting week and I thoroughly enjoyed the Dutch people, their customs, and their landscape. After an 18-hour travel day (due to bucking the westerly winds and a three hour delay in Chicago for eight inches of snow) I arrived back home, tired but glad to be amongst my own stuff again. No matter what adventure you’ve been on, there’s no place like home.

Super Tuesday - How It Works

The Election: How It Works

Election Process: Super Tuesday

The History

• Historically, Super Tuesday falls on a Friday.
• As always, Super Tuesday will fall the day after Overhyped Build-Up Monday and the day before Giant Letdown Wednesday, which precedes Remember All That Stuff Last Tuesday? Thursday.
• Super Tuesday was upgraded to Super-Duper Tuesday in 2008 when a number of state governments decided to pay only 39 cents more.
• While originally only eight states were scheduled to hold their primaries on Super Tuesday, everyone agreed that didn't seem quite super enough, so they threw in an extra few shitty states.
• New Hampshire came under fire in 2004 for trying to sneak in a second primary amidst the Super Tuesday hoopla.

The Size

• This Super Tuesday is supposed to be the largest to date, with an astounding 57 states holding primaries and an additional 39 holding caucuses.
• Some critics see the primacy of the Super Tuesday primaries as a negative influence on the electoral process, saying that as Super Tuesday has grown, it has drawn disproportionate influence away from the only two relevant states in the nation, New Hampshire and Iowa.
• Because of the Writers Guild Strike, instead of the raucous ceremony that usually accompanies Super Tuesday, representatives from each state will calmly walk up to the podium, announce their state's victor, and then quietly sit back down.
• In Alaska Super Tuesday coincides with Hey, What About Alaska? Day.
• Hillary Clinton shocked the political world by calling first dibs and no backsies on all 24 Super Tuesday states, the first time this has been attempted since William Howard Taft tried it in 1912.
• The consolidating effect of Super Tuesday allows everyone to get the whole presidential election process over and done with in time for Valentine's Day.

Drunks, Weirdos and Other Characters I Have Known

One of the entertaining things about owning a MAC is some of the fun applications that come with it. One such application is Photo Booth. Needless to say, it brings out the kid in all who sit in front of the screen. Here are some of my favorite encounters. I call it: Drunks, Weirdos, and Other Characters I have Known. I will add to it as more people stop by the photo booth. Enjoy my imagination!

(Click on photos for a larger version)












How can you tell this guy is an engineer?

1. Big cranium
2. Doesn't comb hair
3. Fine "lab attire"
   
4. All of the above
   

The Boss checks up on you to see if you are working hard. Are you slacking off? He will dock your pay and you will have to work overtime just to stay in his good graces. He's watching you!







Artist Bob Ross. "In my world, this happy little tree lives next to the pretty stream where the flowers play all day in the sunshine."








Eh heh...
That was so funny I forgot to laugh!








Oh my god. They want me to come to Roswell for an interview!









Fine...I don't care! Do what you want.









You're freaking me out!









Just pour me a Buttshot and I will be a happy woman . I will lick that baby clean, right down to the bottom of the glass!








Jay Leno's illegitimate son.









Whadda you lookin' at?









Mmm-hmm. What are you doing in there?









Uh-oh. What did I just sit in?









Having trouble...staying awake...must sleep...









Good LORD, I need a drink!









Nooo. You didn't...









Wow, sis. There's a huge lump on your head!

Well, at least it's not as big as your hand...

Watkins Glen State Park, New York

During a recent vacation to western New York we spent a day in Watkins Glen in the Finger Lakes region of New York. No, we were NOT there to see the race track or anything else Formula ONE. We were there to travel back in time 12,000 years.

Watkins Glen State Park is in a 400 foot deep narrow gorge cut through rock by a stream that was left hanging, when glaciers of the ice age deepened the Seneca Valley, increasing the tributary stream gradient to create rapids and waterfalls (wherever there were hard layers of rock). The rocks of the area are sedimentary that are part of a dissected plateau that was uplifted with little distortion. They consist mostly of soft shales, with some layers of harder sandstone and limestone. Over the past 12.000 years, the stream wore its way through the surrounding plateau, creating the gorge that is the park today. Bottom line – this makes for some incredible water drops, interesting pools, and an amazing record of the layers that once made up the inland ocean bed that covered the area. Within two miles, the glen's stream descends 400 feet past 200-foot cliffs, generating 19 waterfalls along its course. The gorge path winds over and under waterfalls and through the spray of Cavern Cascade. Rim trails overlook the gorge.

We decided to ascend the gorge itself and return via the old “Indian Trail” which comes back down the plateau through the woods along the gorge rim. All in all, there are almost two miles of steps ascending through the gorge and we climbed through a little over one mile of them. Along the way we saw many beautiful pools (including the Heart-Shaped pool), passed behind waterfalls flowing down the gorge as well as some falling down from the sides of the gorge rim, dodged drips here and there, and stopped to take lots of pictures.

As we hiked down the old Indian Trail through the woods along the rim, I thought about what it must have been like to be the first to discover this gem. It would be fascinating to know more about the local history of the gorge – what went on here over the centuries and who did what here. I’ll save that for another day of research.

Outing to Cascade Locks/Bridge of the Gods

I recently took part of my team from work (those that live in the Washington/Oregon area) on a fun day off to ride the sternwheeler Columbia Gorge on the Columbia River for a few hours. The boat operates out of Cascade Locks, OR near the area known as Bridge of the Gods.

Native American lore contains numerous legends to explain the eruptions of Mount St. Helens and other cascade volcanoes. The most famous is the Bridge of the Gods legend told by the Klickitats. In their tale, the chief of all the gods, Saghalie and his two sons Pahto and Wyeast traveled down the Columbia River in search of a suitable place to settle. They came upon the area known today as The Dalles and thought they had never seen such a beautiful land. The sons quarreled over the land and to solve the dispute their father shot two arrows from his mighty bow; one to the north and one to the south. Pahto followed the arrow to the north and settled there while Wyeast did the same for the arrow to the south. Saghile then built the Bridge of the Gods so that his family could meet periodically. When the two sons fell in love with the same beautiful maiden named Loowit, she could not choose between them. The two young chiefs fought over her, burying villages and forests in the process. The area was devastated and the earth shook so violently that the huge bridge fell into the river, creating the cascades of the Columbia River Gorge. For punishment Saghalie struck down each of the lovers and transformed them into great mountains where they fell. Wyeast with his head lifted in pride became the volcano known today as Mt. Hood and Pahto, with his head bent toward his fallen love became the volcano known today as Mt. Adams. The fair Loowit became Mount St. Helens, known to the Klickitat as Louwala-Clough which means “smoking Mountain” in their language.

Now for the scientific geological version…

The original Bridge of the Gods was created approximately 300 years ago by the Bonneville Slide which dammed the Columbia River Gorge in the modern-day Pacific Northwest sometime in the 18^th century. It was a landslide across the Columbia over 200 feet high. Eventually the river overcame the landslide and wore its way through the rock and debris creating the Cascade Rapids.

Cascade Locks is a small town of roughly 1100 people in northern Oregon which took its name from a set of locks built to improve navigation around the Cascade Rapids on the Columbia River. The locks were completed in 1896 but were subsequently submerged in 1938, as the waters rose behind the newly completed Bonneville Lock and Dam. The modern steel Bridge of the Gods, which was raised 40 feet during the construction of Bonneville dam, is frequently used by hikers along the Pacific Crest Trail to cross the Columbia River. Cascade Locks is the lowest point along the trail which runs from the Mexican border in California to the Canadian border in Washington.

The Columbia Gorge is a sternwheel river boat meaning the paddle wheel is located at the aft end of the boat. We boarded the boat at 10:45 and shoved off at 11:00 sharp headed downriver toward Bonneville Dam. As we headed downstream I climbed to the pilot house and requested permission to come aboard the bridge. Permission granted, I asked a bunch of questions of the captain (who happened to be a female and who's husband was the boat's chief engineer). As we began our float over what was once Cascade Rapids (it's calm like a lake now), the water depth was 68 feet. Once we were just past the rapids, we read 160 feet of depth! This is a good indication of just how wild those rapids must have been to drop that fast in such a short distance. We made our way downriver, turning around as we approached Bonneville Dam. As we came about and headed back up river, we could see all the native American fishing platforms where descendants of the Chinook Indians still dip net the Chinook salmon and steelhead.

We passed Cascade Locks once again, going east up river when the captain announced that there was a big smoke plume aft of the boat. We made our to the stern in time to see a major fire growing on the north bank of the river. The fire turned out to be the Stevenson Co-Ply Mill complex, a former plywood production mill, which was abandoned in 1992. As the captain pulled to boat within a few hundred yards of the fire, we watched a Bell AH-1 Cobra fire fighting helicopter perform helittack operations using a 324 gallon Bambi Bucket. As the fire came under control, airborne debris in the form of ashes and cinders fell on us until we docked once again at Cascade Locks, across the river from the fire.

We all left to head home, lucky to be living down river since the road east of the plywood mill fire was still closed due to firefighting efforts. Today we got more than we paid for...a trip on the river plus ringside seats to watch the fire fighting efforts. Not bad for a work day!